Don't Call Me Right-Wing

... just because I believe in free speech, a powerful military, and individual autonomy. I prefer radical, unhinged extremist.

I may have mentioned one or two hundred times that I’m in the process of publishing a little anthology titled Yankee Doodle Soup for the Fringy, Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Conspiracy Theorist’s Soul. You also may recall that when I first came up with the idea—on happy, serendipitous accident—the “tin foil hat-wearing” part was originally “right-wing.” But when I shared the idea with an informal focus group of friends and fellow authors, there was some hesitation about using the term right-wing.

“But we’re not right-wing,” I explained. “That’s why it’s funny!” Still, if being seen in public with the paperback equivalent of a MAGA tramp stamp was going to keep people from buying or reading it, I didn’t want to predestine the thing for the clearance rack or recycling bin.

I was today-years-old when I realized that right-wing isn’t even an implicit insult. It’s just a thing, one you can proudly be (despite what the media would have you believe). But I couldn’t even put it on a book cover because the term’s become weaponized. It no longer objectively describes a liberty-loving patriot who supports traditional family values, free-market capitalism, and a strong national defense. Today it’s an aspersion-casting adjective employed solely to modify the term “conspiracy theorist.”

Think I’m nuts? [*rhetorical question] Surely you’ve seen the viral video of an Oklahoma woman getting a little surprise visit from three FBI agents* last week. Apparently, Facebook got spooked by some anti-Israel sentiments Rolla Abdeljawad posted on her public page, and sent a trio of college interns federal agents over to intimidate have a friendly conversation with her.

(*Well, supposedly they were FBI agents. Two were wearing jeans, one was sporting a baseball cap, and none of them could produce a badge. Oh, and one had to google the FBI phone number when Abdeljawad requested it, but I’m sure it was just casual Friday and I’m a kooky nutter.)

“So, we no longer live in a free country, and we can’t say what we want?” Abdeljawad asked reasonably.

“No, we totally do,” one of the agents replied. (We “totally do?” I seriously need to know if anyone has verified if these guys were legit federal agents.) “That’s why we’re not here to arrest you or anything. We do this every day, all day long. It’s just an effort to keep everybody safe and make sure nobody has any ill will.”

(Every day all day the FBI is visiting ordinary folks who post their unpopular opinions on Facebook? Is this really the best use of your citizen-safety resources, FBI? It’s sort of like handing out tickets for j-walking in New York City. Maybe go after some of the folks creating pipe bomb-building tutorials or pushing people onto train tracks or something? IDK, just a thought.)

When the video went viral, outlets like the trusty Washington Post jumped on the right-wing bandwagon (there’s always room on there, apparently).

WaPo wrote:

The video has since popped up in Reason, the libertarian magazine, and in a Fox News article. Anti-government militants hailed her as a patriot. Edward Snowden, the National Security Agency whistleblower living in Russia, weighed in on X: “So, the FBI is now doorstopping ordinary Americans for criticizing the White House’s Gaza policy online?”

Conservative figure Chris Loesch, for example, shared Abdeljawad’s video last week with the comment: “The FBI needs to be dismantled from the top down. An agency that had lost its way.” By Saturday, Loesch was on the defensive as followers called him out for supporting what one described as “an un-American Muslim.”

“Is she an American citizen? I disagree with her, think her views are disgusting and she is wrong but I see that sort of crap from popular accounts on X all day,” Loesch replied. “She still has a right to be offensively wrong, right?”

Just so we’re clear, freedom of speech is now a right-wing rallying cry. Similarly, object to the White House promoting Trans Day of Visibility and ignoring Easter, for example, and you’re a mentally unstable, right-wing Trumper.

If you enjoy a day at the shooting range [*dusts fresh gunshot residue off boots] and you also go to church, you’re clearly a right-wing extremist who has no business being anywhere near kids. The Kansas City Defender nearly lost its mind putting together this piece:

From the breathlessly appalled article:

The disturbing images of Haley’s hand sifting over a barrel brimming with bullets* — or, Blake proudly toting weapons of war — are in stark contrast to the diverse and open-minded community of Lee’s Summit.

Both candidates appear to be firearm enthusiasts and evangelical Christians, a combination of ideologies that strongly resonate with a particular facet of christo-nationalist, right-wing extremism.

Please, gentle readers, do brace yourselves for the “disturbing images” of these war-mongering monsters:

Notice the stark contrast between these photos and… diverse open-mindedness or something.

(I’m actually writing this on April Fool’s day and it was literally all I could do not to include some of these prison gang photos just to mess with you guys hahahaha.)

Also this week, ring-wingers wildly overreacted in their typically fringy way to a 1,000-plus page, $1.2 trillion spending bill that includes 850,000 of your taxpayer dollars for a gay senior citizens’ home in Boston, $15 million for college tuition for Egyptians (in Egypt, not even Egyptian-Americans), $400,000 to a group that helps secretly outfit teens with chest binders and “tuck-ems,” a half million bucks for an “anti-racist nature appreciation program” *not a typo or an April Fool’s joke I swear* at the San Diego Zoo, and another did we vote on this? $300 million to Ukraine. Obviously level-headed liberals overwhelmingly support these perfectly defensible expenses. As always, it’s that irrational, furious right-wing minority causing a ruckus.

And while we’re on the subject, let’s don’t forget the time my War on Ivermectin co-author Dr. Pierre Kory (a registered democrat, FWIW) was dubbed a right-wing anti-vaccine fringe doctor by Time magazine for championing an inexpensive, readily available, scientifically-supported yet somehow “dubious” COVID treatment.

Oh, and if you found anything at all about the Baltimore bridge collapse suspicious, you can add deranged to your right-wing résumé.

So apparently, I am right-wing—and quite possibly deranged and unhinged as well. I sure do appreciate the media letting me know! (Should I be baking cookies and sprucing the place up and ironing my DOMESTIC TERRORIST t-shirt yes I have one for my impending FBI visit?)

Should I have kept right-wing in the title? Dammit.