So that means my husband has 3 wives! You'd have thought that one would have been frustrating enough for him. But no.
Have you seen the movie about the women who accidentally all met each other and discovered they were all married to the same man? I can't remember the title.
Omg that last cartoon! 😂😂😂😂😂. So do you want to have sex? I hate you. So, no?
Here is a sad truth. I prefer a nice clean spotless house but am incapable of producing one for more than 1.333 days. My husband will sweep, mop, does the dishes almost daily (but will let them pile up too) and always remembers to take out the trash, mow the lawn and does all the cooking and grocery shopping. Here is where it gets ugly. The man is completely incapable of throwing even the tiniest piece of trash into a trash can. He instead leaves it laying exactly where he removed it from whatever. His idea of a “clean kitchen “ involves dishes washed (except for one or two things—always something I wanted cleaned for use later), and that’s it. While having (most) of the dishes clean is indeed wonderful, there is still a million tiny pieces of trash (to include a soda can and used paper towel or two) and crumbs / cooking residue all over the counters. Let’s not even talk about the various man items I EVEN HAVE A SPECIAL BASKET FOR that he just leaves laying around until there is actually no clear counter space left in the kitchen. These would include deodorant, handguns, keys, phone chargers, rulers, screwdrivers, drills and drill bits, spare gun parts, ad nauseum. His basket is known as the pile of shame and while never less than half an inch above the top of the basket is never quite big enough and usually requires me to pile stuff on the damn table for him to “put away”. Murder has occurred to me but he’s still remodeling our home so I can’t do this until he is at least mostly done. He KNOWS this and has been dragging his feet on purpose bc he knows. He knows.
What’s worse is I’m the one who doesn’t believe in expiration dates and who stacks the dishwasher like a raccoon on meth. 😂😂😂
Oh, my goodness! Cracked me up because it’s so true. I am convinced my husband’s eyes don’t start working until I put down what I’m doing and stand up. Then suddenly he can see! And the remote! We spend all night trying to get back to where we were in a show because he can’t let go of the remote and is always accidentally hitting some button. If nothing has happened for a while, he has to change up the sound. (“I’m going to go back!”). But he is my Mr. Fixit, picks up after himself, unloads the dishwasher (giving me a fun Easter egg hunt for where he put some of the items. But I realized he didn’t see where I got them from so how would he know where to put them?), and washes, folds and puts away his own clothes. After 41 years of marriage, I’ve decided everything doesn’t have to be done my way or even perfectly. It’s been very freeing.
I am the guy that can see the hawk on the barn. The face in the crowd. I also can find anything she is looking for. Her cell phone, glasses, tablet, computer, etc. I always tell her I am "a good looker". But there are some things I am totally blind to, like the milk in the fridge. As our son has said: "You have to look under stuff". It really helps in finding things.
I'm the "good looker" in my house. When the spousal unit "loses" something he just keeps looking for it where it's supposed to be, getting madder and madder each time it's still not there. I step in and look for it where it's not supposed to be, since that's the definition of "lost." I once found his car keys in the toe of his ski boots; I refused to divulge where they had been. Drove him crazy!
wow. ABsolutely ffffffffffffffffffffffffing brilliant. Usually I have a lenghty comment but you leave me speechless with this; sensationalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. PS( I do the laundry - I am really good at it - , I take out the garbage; I do the dishes ( my wife is a fabulous cook - why should i bother with it). I fix things when I can; she is a great lady and I help as much as possible). This is a partnership as I always remember the two best words of all time ; YES DEAR..
The stuff from the book is hilarious. I am the male in our traditional marriage, but actually lean more towards you on some things (but not all). I am the architect on loading the dishwasher, where my wife just piles one on top of the other. I clean up (mostly) after I make my meals. I organize my closet so I can find things and try to use logic in their order.
But, I couldn’t care less about making a bed or cans having their labels all facing front. As for not finding things, yup, like your husband, I sometimes don’t see something right in front of me. I guess you could say I’m half you and half your husband. I chalk it up to two things: 1) I have mild ADHD so my short term memory isn’t great if I am not focused specifically on where something is placed and 2) there are things I just plain don’t care about. Pretty beds, shiny toilets and sinks, etc. don’t reward my value system, hence I don’t spend time on them.
There’s an old saying in the industry I recently retired from: show me how you pay me and I’ll show you what I care about. People care about what’s important to them and don’t care about stuff that’s not. Add in your perceived OCD about can labels and need for it to only be done your way and your husband has probably realized that you will never be happy so it’s futile for him to try. To your credit you do admit you’re not easy to live with. That’s the first step to recovery as they say.
Probably the funniest article I have read in a long time. Split sides and tears from laughing so much. Could be my wife and I that you are talking about. 👌👍
Jenna! Our husband’s must come from the same bloodline. Lolol
I have a tip for you about the snoring!! I’ve been married for 31 years 4 months. For 31 years and 1 month I have slept with a helicopter in our bedroom, going in for the kill shot the entire time. He also had an odd restless leg syndrome that causes him to suddenly pull his leg up as if he were getting it quickly out of the way of a guillotine then place it straight back again, whether sleeping in a recliner or on a bed. He is completely unaware he is doing this. When timed he has a precision tempo to it that defies believability. Every 14 seconds to the millisecond and bam, the leg pulls up again then down. Over and over again every 14 seconds. It’s been pure hell to sleep uninterrupted with a metronome and a helicopter in my bed. I’ve lost so much sleep I am constantly sleep deprived.
UNTIL, three months ago!! 31 years of rumbling helicopter blades is now GONE. The loudest score is a deep breathy thing. And his legs haven’t moved once. How?
Believe it or not Magnesium! I take it with my Keto diet, and because I need it for my own bone density, and it cured my muscle cramps. So I started him on it thinking it might help his restless leg syndrome. Well not only did it help with that, it stopped his annoying snoring!
There are 7 kinds of magnesium, and some have a real laxative effect so we avoid those. I can only recommend the ones he takes. He uses a chelated magnesium glycinate by Drs Best and it is better absorbed. He takes one in the morning and two after dinner every night. (We aim to supplement him with 200mg and two pills has only 144mg in them.) I can’t remember how long he was on it before I noticed the difference but it was definitely less than a couple weeks.
If you try it let me know how it goes. I have a silent room for the first time ever in our marriage.
The only other magnesium I use is an L-threonate. I use Life Extension brand or Now brand. L-Threonate has the least laxative effect out of all of them but it also crosses the blood brain barrier and provides cognitive and memory support. Since we are half a century old now I thought that was a bonus. My husband hasn’t used this one though, and I don’t know if any magnesium would help or if the Drs Best formulation is what does it. 🤷🏼♀️ Just thought I’d recommend another brand too.
Can’t wait to buy your book!! Very funny. You are a fly on the wall in my home.
I'm the odd (& old!) woman out here. No marriage, no partner, no kids, so living alone makes me unable to relate...although I can relate to turning all the cans and jars and boxes so the labels are in front. But I LOVED and laughed at your story and the story of all your commenters, plus the avatar cartoon was brilliant! Being a casual observer, it seems to me that having and using a sense of humor is what keeps most marriages strong!
Life is too short not to laugh! Good one! Guilty as charged😕 I have watched Big horn Sheep on a mountain side 700 yards away and routinely get told "move the milk!"
Dear God, if you do not do anything else buy this book. Gift it to family and friends. In an environment that is tryin to kill comedy this is an antidote. It will set you free.
I was super surprised to learn she also helped write the Ivermectin story.
We need more humans like her. God bless you sister. God bless you.
Despite repeated attempts, I have failed to train my husband to clean up after he makes a sandwich although at least he uses a plate now after much harping about the crumbs. Seems he doesn't fully get the role the plate plays though because he butters the toast in his hand mid air over the counter... and carries the sandwich to the table on the plate, which he leaves there - swearing repeatedly that he "always" puts it in the dishwasher.
At least I don't have to worry about crumbs in the sink!
I’m the neat freak husband, 51. Remarkably (*statistical improbability), my wife still engages in unintellectual intercourse with me even after all these years (30) even though I’ve been ugly, broke, and (worst of all) boring this whole entire time.
Why is she with that guy ???
Four rules for us neat freak husbands who want to (*must) wrest the Domestic Engineering license away from the love-of-their-life:
1. Unlike Jenna, we neat freak husbands are not allowed to complain (to their faces) about it if we wish the unintellectual aspect of marriage to continue.
2. You have to let your sloppy wife have that one psychological ‘out’ where she feels like she’s“getting away with it” in her own private space. Don’t browbeat her; let her convince herself that she’s winning. In our home, the fridges and freezers are her psychological victory territory, all six of them. (Don’t ask why we have six.) Good thing my nose can _smell_ a falcon on a barn (before the kids & I are food poisoned).
3. Whatever she loses in her purse is her (unstated) fault and responsibility. I’m not going in there ever again (not even for a pistol to shoot a home invader).
4. Friday night is still date night, no matter what. If she doesn’t like my loving foreplay, some other woman will. Fellas, that means just ‘cause you can vacuum better than she does blindfolded it doesn’t mean you’re a wimp 👍🙂
Evidently, my husband is also married to you.
Mine too. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Every. Fricking. Detail.
So that means my husband has 3 wives! You'd have thought that one would have been frustrating enough for him. But no.
Have you seen the movie about the women who accidentally all met each other and discovered they were all married to the same man? I can't remember the title.
"Womankind"?
Omg that last cartoon! 😂😂😂😂😂. So do you want to have sex? I hate you. So, no?
Here is a sad truth. I prefer a nice clean spotless house but am incapable of producing one for more than 1.333 days. My husband will sweep, mop, does the dishes almost daily (but will let them pile up too) and always remembers to take out the trash, mow the lawn and does all the cooking and grocery shopping. Here is where it gets ugly. The man is completely incapable of throwing even the tiniest piece of trash into a trash can. He instead leaves it laying exactly where he removed it from whatever. His idea of a “clean kitchen “ involves dishes washed (except for one or two things—always something I wanted cleaned for use later), and that’s it. While having (most) of the dishes clean is indeed wonderful, there is still a million tiny pieces of trash (to include a soda can and used paper towel or two) and crumbs / cooking residue all over the counters. Let’s not even talk about the various man items I EVEN HAVE A SPECIAL BASKET FOR that he just leaves laying around until there is actually no clear counter space left in the kitchen. These would include deodorant, handguns, keys, phone chargers, rulers, screwdrivers, drills and drill bits, spare gun parts, ad nauseum. His basket is known as the pile of shame and while never less than half an inch above the top of the basket is never quite big enough and usually requires me to pile stuff on the damn table for him to “put away”. Murder has occurred to me but he’s still remodeling our home so I can’t do this until he is at least mostly done. He KNOWS this and has been dragging his feet on purpose bc he knows. He knows.
What’s worse is I’m the one who doesn’t believe in expiration dates and who stacks the dishwasher like a raccoon on meth. 😂😂😂
Oh, my goodness! Cracked me up because it’s so true. I am convinced my husband’s eyes don’t start working until I put down what I’m doing and stand up. Then suddenly he can see! And the remote! We spend all night trying to get back to where we were in a show because he can’t let go of the remote and is always accidentally hitting some button. If nothing has happened for a while, he has to change up the sound. (“I’m going to go back!”). But he is my Mr. Fixit, picks up after himself, unloads the dishwasher (giving me a fun Easter egg hunt for where he put some of the items. But I realized he didn’t see where I got them from so how would he know where to put them?), and washes, folds and puts away his own clothes. After 41 years of marriage, I’ve decided everything doesn’t have to be done my way or even perfectly. It’s been very freeing.
41 years! Congrats.💪
And they said it wouldn’t last!🤣🤣🤣
I am the guy that can see the hawk on the barn. The face in the crowd. I also can find anything she is looking for. Her cell phone, glasses, tablet, computer, etc. I always tell her I am "a good looker". But there are some things I am totally blind to, like the milk in the fridge. As our son has said: "You have to look under stuff". It really helps in finding things.
I'm the "good looker" in my house. When the spousal unit "loses" something he just keeps looking for it where it's supposed to be, getting madder and madder each time it's still not there. I step in and look for it where it's not supposed to be, since that's the definition of "lost." I once found his car keys in the toe of his ski boots; I refused to divulge where they had been. Drove him crazy!
😹😹😹
🤣🤣🤣
My wife never puts anything in the same place twice. Car keys, checkbook, etc.
I think Dante has a ring of hell for people who do things like that…
wow. ABsolutely ffffffffffffffffffffffffing brilliant. Usually I have a lenghty comment but you leave me speechless with this; sensationalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. PS( I do the laundry - I am really good at it - , I take out the garbage; I do the dishes ( my wife is a fabulous cook - why should i bother with it). I fix things when I can; she is a great lady and I help as much as possible). This is a partnership as I always remember the two best words of all time ; YES DEAR..
REspectfully.
I use to work in. Laundromat. I know laundry.
My wife does not. It is, ahem, as the Diplomats say, a cross road for a frank exchange of views.
The stuff from the book is hilarious. I am the male in our traditional marriage, but actually lean more towards you on some things (but not all). I am the architect on loading the dishwasher, where my wife just piles one on top of the other. I clean up (mostly) after I make my meals. I organize my closet so I can find things and try to use logic in their order.
But, I couldn’t care less about making a bed or cans having their labels all facing front. As for not finding things, yup, like your husband, I sometimes don’t see something right in front of me. I guess you could say I’m half you and half your husband. I chalk it up to two things: 1) I have mild ADHD so my short term memory isn’t great if I am not focused specifically on where something is placed and 2) there are things I just plain don’t care about. Pretty beds, shiny toilets and sinks, etc. don’t reward my value system, hence I don’t spend time on them.
There’s an old saying in the industry I recently retired from: show me how you pay me and I’ll show you what I care about. People care about what’s important to them and don’t care about stuff that’s not. Add in your perceived OCD about can labels and need for it to only be done your way and your husband has probably realized that you will never be happy so it’s futile for him to try. To your credit you do admit you’re not easy to live with. That’s the first step to recovery as they say.
Apparently I don’t care about anything but those bastards trying to kill me with the COVID injections….
And BBQ, puppies, good books, and most humans. Almost all
😊
Oh I love this!
Probably the funniest article I have read in a long time. Split sides and tears from laughing so much. Could be my wife and I that you are talking about. 👌👍
Jenna! Our husband’s must come from the same bloodline. Lolol
I have a tip for you about the snoring!! I’ve been married for 31 years 4 months. For 31 years and 1 month I have slept with a helicopter in our bedroom, going in for the kill shot the entire time. He also had an odd restless leg syndrome that causes him to suddenly pull his leg up as if he were getting it quickly out of the way of a guillotine then place it straight back again, whether sleeping in a recliner or on a bed. He is completely unaware he is doing this. When timed he has a precision tempo to it that defies believability. Every 14 seconds to the millisecond and bam, the leg pulls up again then down. Over and over again every 14 seconds. It’s been pure hell to sleep uninterrupted with a metronome and a helicopter in my bed. I’ve lost so much sleep I am constantly sleep deprived.
UNTIL, three months ago!! 31 years of rumbling helicopter blades is now GONE. The loudest score is a deep breathy thing. And his legs haven’t moved once. How?
Believe it or not Magnesium! I take it with my Keto diet, and because I need it for my own bone density, and it cured my muscle cramps. So I started him on it thinking it might help his restless leg syndrome. Well not only did it help with that, it stopped his annoying snoring!
There are 7 kinds of magnesium, and some have a real laxative effect so we avoid those. I can only recommend the ones he takes. He uses a chelated magnesium glycinate by Drs Best and it is better absorbed. He takes one in the morning and two after dinner every night. (We aim to supplement him with 200mg and two pills has only 144mg in them.) I can’t remember how long he was on it before I noticed the difference but it was definitely less than a couple weeks.
If you try it let me know how it goes. I have a silent room for the first time ever in our marriage.
The only other magnesium I use is an L-threonate. I use Life Extension brand or Now brand. L-Threonate has the least laxative effect out of all of them but it also crosses the blood brain barrier and provides cognitive and memory support. Since we are half a century old now I thought that was a bonus. My husband hasn’t used this one though, and I don’t know if any magnesium would help or if the Drs Best formulation is what does it. 🤷🏼♀️ Just thought I’d recommend another brand too.
Can’t wait to buy your book!! Very funny. You are a fly on the wall in my home.
Life extension is the best! And I do use magnesium spray… Thanks for all the hot tips!
I'm the odd (& old!) woman out here. No marriage, no partner, no kids, so living alone makes me unable to relate...although I can relate to turning all the cans and jars and boxes so the labels are in front. But I LOVED and laughed at your story and the story of all your commenters, plus the avatar cartoon was brilliant! Being a casual observer, it seems to me that having and using a sense of humor is what keeps most marriages strong!
Honestly, if we couldn’t laugh we would have killed each other decades ago🤣🤣🤣
Well, you are a very funny woman, to be sure. ;-)
Life is too short not to laugh! Good one! Guilty as charged😕 I have watched Big horn Sheep on a mountain side 700 yards away and routinely get told "move the milk!"
🤣
Dear God, if you do not do anything else buy this book. Gift it to family and friends. In an environment that is tryin to kill comedy this is an antidote. It will set you free.
I was super surprised to learn she also helped write the Ivermectin story.
We need more humans like her. God bless you sister. God bless you.
😭💕😊
Brilliant!
The only time I EVER actually get to touch the remote is when he's fallen asleep on the couch.
Despite repeated attempts, I have failed to train my husband to clean up after he makes a sandwich although at least he uses a plate now after much harping about the crumbs. Seems he doesn't fully get the role the plate plays though because he butters the toast in his hand mid air over the counter... and carries the sandwich to the table on the plate, which he leaves there - swearing repeatedly that he "always" puts it in the dishwasher.
At least I don't have to worry about crumbs in the sink!
I had cataract and cornea transplants right in the middle of the lockdowns.
My vision is now like my wife who sees shit on the side if mountains. She does not hunt.
What do I now see? Dust and shedded dog fur. Our house was mostly filthy . But when the Zombie apocalypse starts I have a spotter to find gane.
Actual lol! It’s a miracle when people can live together for decades and still find humor in how unnatural it all is!🤣
OMG, this was so funny, I identified with all of it!!
I’m the neat freak husband, 51. Remarkably (*statistical improbability), my wife still engages in unintellectual intercourse with me even after all these years (30) even though I’ve been ugly, broke, and (worst of all) boring this whole entire time.
Why is she with that guy ???
Four rules for us neat freak husbands who want to (*must) wrest the Domestic Engineering license away from the love-of-their-life:
1. Unlike Jenna, we neat freak husbands are not allowed to complain (to their faces) about it if we wish the unintellectual aspect of marriage to continue.
2. You have to let your sloppy wife have that one psychological ‘out’ where she feels like she’s“getting away with it” in her own private space. Don’t browbeat her; let her convince herself that she’s winning. In our home, the fridges and freezers are her psychological victory territory, all six of them. (Don’t ask why we have six.) Good thing my nose can _smell_ a falcon on a barn (before the kids & I are food poisoned).
3. Whatever she loses in her purse is her (unstated) fault and responsibility. I’m not going in there ever again (not even for a pistol to shoot a home invader).
4. Friday night is still date night, no matter what. If she doesn’t like my loving foreplay, some other woman will. Fellas, that means just ‘cause you can vacuum better than she does blindfolded it doesn’t mean you’re a wimp 👍🙂
🤣🤣🤣