Coming to America (*Not Just an Old Eddie Murphy Movie)

There's unchecked disorder at the border—but demanding something be done about it will *definitely* get you canceled.

In this week’s episode of Things That Are Controversial but Shouldn’t Be, I thought I’d tackle our porous and inexplicably unprotected borders.

Where’s the lie, though?

The subject is contentious, of course, because this is America; the world-famous melting pot. We are the warm and welcoming land of the free, the hard-won home of the brave, the birthplace of Cheese Whiz and duct tape. The plaque affixed to the pedestal of our beloved Statue of Liberty is literally a passionate plea for unbridled immigration. The old green gal’s begging so hard for an alien invasion, she may as well be on her knees.

SoL: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Wretched refuse everywhere: “Sweet! Be right there! Should we, like, bring anything?”

SoL: “Nah. We’ll have cash, housing, healthcare, cell phones, education, and all the free Cheese Whiz you can eat waiting for you.”

To be clear, I am a compassionate and generous person. I also did very little that I’m aware of to be born in this (still relatively) delightful place and my heart sincerely aches for the legions of people around the world desperate to live somewhere better. I believe refugees who wish to naturalize legally and support themselves and their families and pay taxes and, oh I don’t know, aren’t here to rape, rob, or murder me (or you or anyone else) should be welcome.

It’s the illegal bit that gets my thong in a twist—along with the part where our treasonous, two-faced government gleefully trips over itself to bankroll every outsider who strolls, swims, or scampers into the country while there millions of Americans and they are already here who are just as miserable as the bottomless bunch banging down our borders.

Where are the #IStandWithAmerica posts demanding we care for our countless countrymen and women who are obese, broke, jobless, homeless, anxious, depressed, sick, addicted, or some heartbreaking combination of the above? Fentanyl is killing our kids (and adults) in record and ever-increasing numbers, we’re in the grips of an unprecedented mental health crisis, and we have veterans who selflessly served this country living on the streets. If anyone is getting a handout around here, shouldn’t it be—and prepare yourself for a scandalous suggestion here—Americans?

US Government: “Yeah, it’s a shame some of you are having a rough go at it. But see, our swag is only for folks who don’t pay taxes or contribute meaningfully to society in any way. Maybe try moving Mexico, relinquishing your citizenship, and then crossing the border illegally? We hear folks are having some success with that.”

It would be funny if it weren’t probably true.

My now-grown daughters were fairly young—around 10 and 12—when Trump began talking about building his hotly debated wall. We lived in an ultra-liberal town in California at the time, where the background music anywhere you went was an ear-splitting symphony of Orange Man is the Antichrist. Being both naïve and also empathetic pint size humans, my girls were horrified and indignant.

Them: “It’s not fair! The people trying to come here have terrible lives and nowhere to go! We have to let them in! I hope that mean-tweeter guy doesn’t get picked to be president!”   

Me: “I love how kind and thoughtful you both are, and I agree it’s very sad. Also do you see that slab of wood over there with the handle on it?”

Them (looking at it, then at me, then at each other like yup, Mom’s losing it for sure): “The front door?”

Me: “Yup. The front door. Why do we have one?”

Them: “To keep the cats in and the bad guys out?”

Me: “Bingo! Would you feel comfortable sleeping at night if we took that door off the hinges and stashed it in the garage and then put a big COME ON IN sign above the opening?”

Them: “No way!”

Me: “Why not?”

Them: “Because… because… anybody could just come in and take our toys and eat our food and sleep in our beds if they wanted to! They might put their shoes on the coffee table or break your favorite lamp and they probably wouldn’t even have to do chores!”

Me (to self): You’d be lucky if that was all they did.

The statistics and stories I see and read on a daily basis are staggering. Thirty-six hundred New York City high school students were recently forced back into remote learning so their campus could be converted into migrant housing. State representatives are playing Red Rover with literal busloads of “asylum seekers” because nobody actually knows what to do with them or—frankly—wants them. Fresh out of bed space in every one of the city’s migrant shelters, Boston’s Logan Airport has resembled New England’s seediest-ever slumber party for weeks. State and local leaders in New York, Massachusetts, and Illinois have all asked residents to welcome as many illegals into their homes as they’re able to accommodate I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

In a pivotal legal showdown this week, the Supreme Court granted the Biden administration legal authority to remove razor wire at the Texas border that was installed there to deter illegal migrants. (I know, it makes no sense whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with global warming. It would follow logically as that’s the basis of the UN’s recent appeal for $7.9 billion which will be specifically earmarked to help “people around the world who have been forced to leave their homes for various reasons, including climate change” you literally cannot make this stuff up.) Texas is challenging it, of course—because Texas—by issuing a “Statement on Texas’ Constitutional Right to Self-Defense,” which essentially says, “If you highfalutin’ big city fellers ain’t gonna defend us, we’ll gosh dern do it ourselves [*sound of a shotgun cocking and a wet wad of snuff smacking the sidewalk, I imagine, and that’s not even Texist because I live here].”

When doesn’t The Babylon Bee nail it?

I’ll spare you the gruesome, specific stories of crimes happening here at the hands of illegals—I’ll just tell you they include shooting and sexually assaulting young children can we please be finished with this conversation?—and instead drop some sobering stats on you, courtesy of The Heritage Foundation:

“In 2023 alone, Border Patrol agents have encountered thousands of illegal aliens with prior criminal convictions, including assault, rape, and murder. The true extent of crimes committed by illegal aliens remains unknown because there are also over 1.5 million unaccounted for “gotaways” since Biden’s term began. A 2021 Department of Justice report revealed that 64% of federal arrests in 2018 involved noncitizens, despite them comprising only 7% of the population at that time.”

And that was six years ago.

Let’s break that last bit down: If there were 100 arrests in a given year, that would mean around one in every three legal citizens had violated the law [93 people committing 36 crimes], and each and every non-legal resident violated it nine times [7 people committing 64 crimes].

All of which begs a cacophony of questions: Why are we freely letting rapists and murders and known terrorists into our country? Please don’t tell me it’s to buy votes; do we really think the guy who decapitated his girlfriend was planning to hit the polls afterward? Why do we do next to nothing to help or house our own homeless population? Why is the (taxpayer-funded) money-well only bottomless when it comes to outsiders we’re ushering inside (and of course, Ukraine)? Whose idea was it to take the front door off the entire Land of Liberty in perpetuity and roll out a fat red carpet, anyway?

According to the Federation for American Immigration Reform, illegal immigration now costs US taxpayers $151 billion a year, more than half of which is spent on K-12 education. The Department of Homeland Security alone shelled out $363 million (also taxpayer funded) dollars just this past year to feed, shelter, and transport migrants. All of which may give blustering bureaucrats something to beat their chests about, but where are the federal programs to help our own struggling citizens get ahead or even just survive? Wouldn’t that get a guy an atta-boy and a congratulatory whack on the back?

Grocery and medical costs are through the roof, yet 15 million Americans recently lost their Medicaid benefits, and the end of federal pandemic food assistance programs means 41 million US citizens are once again going hungry. (You try feeding yourself on $23 a month.) But at least we’re taking care of Hawaii! The folks whose homes were reduced to literal dust in the Maui “fire” received a whopping $700—per family, not per person—as long as they could demonstrate critical need because wholesale destitution requires unequivocal proof, unlike for example your identity when you vote if some progressives get their way. Never mind that $700 is hardly enough to pay for a single night’s stay at any hotel on the island, no less begin to rebuild a life after you’ve lost everything. But don’t worry; Biden’s on it. Hahahahaha just kidding. When asked about the rising death toll in the immediate wake of the inferno, our feeble leader mumbled a predictable, “no comment.”

The virtue signaling left will never stop trying to shame into silent submission the army of reasonable folks who believe “America First” isn’t just a talking point or a catchy slogan but an administrative obligation. The fact is, the louder we are, the harder it will be to successfully suppress us. Sure, calling out our hypocritical higher-ups can be uncomfortable. It’ll most definitely earn you some enemies. Christmas dinner with the family is guaranteed to be awkward. But as the saying goes, your silence is your consent.

An astute reader recently wrote in response to one of my posts: “Courage is the rarest of the virtues. Goodness, kindness, honesty, etc. are all abundant in many cultures. But courage has always been and always will be in short supply. And very importantly, without it the other virtues are at risk.”  

Although nobody actually listens to the safety briefing on airplanes (and it’s been established, at least by me, that we definitely should), everyone knows the spiel:

Should the cabin experience a sudden and unexpected loss of pressure, oxygen masks will automatically fall from the overhead compartment. If you’re traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask first before assisting others.

If you were standing on a crowded corner and saw a bus barreling toward the horde, you might try to save as many people as possible, but you’d be damned sure your kids were among them. Let’s all be brave and say out loud that it’s not only our right to take care of our own first, it’s our responsibility.

Look! A book! You can read it on your Nook! (Does anyone have those anymore? Maybe I’ll ask my MySpace friends.)