Coming Soon: The People’s Republic of Manhattan

(Seriously, New York. You okay?)

I was born in New York City. My parents and grandparents were born in New York City. And while my folks ultimately dragged the family to Florida in search of non-existent winters and actual backyards, as soon as I was responsible for my own bills and bad decisions, I hightailed it straight back to the land of bagels and broken dreams Broadway.

That was a long time ago, when The City™ (that’s what you called it if you lived there—as if there were but one) was loud and dirty and weird in all the right ways; the kind of place that had you cursing under your breath one minute and shamelessly dancing on bar tops the next. You didn’t live there because it was easy; you lived there because it was edgy and electric, a combination that made it irresistibly cool.

In her defense, Gotham was never cheap. Far as I know, she’s never made a single Freshest-Scented Cities in the U.S. list. If you asked a New Yorker—back in my day or this morning—how to lock the door, they wouldn’t laugh at you and say, “Lock the door? Why would we need to do that? This is New York!”

Wait, are there people who DON’T think that?

But these days, the Big Apple’s “gritty charm” feels more like “a cry for help.” The rent is criminal, actual crime is off the charts, and the MTA routinely smells like a litterbox someone forgot to scoop (for six years). So when a guy like Zohran Mamdani—rabid socialist, rent-control crusader, and self-described enemy of capitalism—starts crushing in the polls to become New York City’s next mayor, it makes an odd sort of sense.

He’s young! He’s passionate! He wants to make the subway free! (Which, in reality, it already is for folks nimble enough to jump the turnstile.)

“80% of Gen-Z endorses Mamdani,” social media posts roar. 80% of Gen-Z also get their news exclusively from TikTok and think employment equals oppression, so maybe we shouldn’t be using them as a barometer of sanity or solid life choices.

We’re letting these people make the decisions now?

It’s not like the rest of the mayoral field is inspiring confidence. Andrew Cuomo is haunted by enough scandals to fill a Netflix docuseries, incumbent Eric Adams already dropped out after realizing “independent” doesn’t mean “popular” (and, oh yeah, being indicted on federal corruption charges), and Curtis Sliwa is out there shouting about cats and crime in his red beret. Until yesterday—when Cuomo made a “dramatic leap” in one poll (and we all know how polls can go)—they were all trailing Mamdani by a margin big enough to park a Lincoln Navigator in.

Polls are like mothers-in-law: always opinionated; rarely right.

I get Mamdani’s relative appeal, of course—especially to young, broke, woke millennials and zoomers. Who wouldn’t want state-sponsored childcare, no-cost transportation, and the ability to pay rent without having to pawn a kidney? On paper, his “Equity Enhancement Agenda” sounds like a free seven-course meal after a long day of being financially pummeled by The City That Charges a Surtax to Sleep.

But you’ll have to forgive a conservative like me for feeling like I’m watching a toddler juggling knives here. Because the last time someone promised to “socialize the basics,” it didn’t end in abundance; it ended with powdered milk and government cheese.

Now you’ve got AOC and Bernie campaigning their hearts out to “take out the oligarchy” and the woke mobs are eating it up and a collectivist might well be the next mayor of my hometown and I’m just over here squinting at the fine print and wondering have New Yorkers never heard the phrase ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch’?

Where exactly do they think all this free stuff is coming from? The Tooth Fairy’s trust fund? Ukraine IOUs? The same bottomless budget that keeps the F train running two hours late? The truth is, someone always pays—and spoiler alert, it won’t be the people penning the slogans. When the city starts “owning” grocery stores, that means taxpayers are footing the bill for every wilted head of lettuce and broken freezer door. The same bureaucracy that can’t keep rats out of the subway is about to start managing perishables. What could possibly go wrong? Give it a year and you’ll need an appointment to buy milk, a permit for bananas, and a city-issued QR code just to check out.

Mamdani’s promising rent freezes, state-sponsored childcare, fareless buses, and municipal markets, plus a $30 minimum wage and publicly funded Wi-Fi—because apparently the revolution can’t happen without all the bars. He wants to “decommodify housing” (note: it involves shared bathrooms and communal living), “liberate labor” (i.e. let taxpayers pick up the tab), and “restore equity,” which all sound noble until you realize they come with a side of tax hikes big enough to fund a second Statue of Liberty every other month. It’s the political version of ordering the lobster, two bottles of Veuve, and the 23-karat edible gold leaf-dusted dessert and then saying, “We’re all splitting this evenly, right?”

We’re told Mamdani isn’t a communist—but it’s funny how actual communists didn’t get the memo. When the Revolutionary Communists of America start writing fan fiction about your campaign, maybe it’s time to stop calling it “progressive” and start calling it a “pending regime change.”

Trump calls Mamdani a 100% communist lunatic. The internet calls him a liar who once rapped about his ‘love’ for Hamas terror-funding groups. NYC restauranteur David Rabin calls him a con artist. Republicans are calling for his deportation. Lots of prominent democrats have expressed “serious concerns” about him and are endorsing other candidates. The New York Times Editorial Board made a surprise pivot, advising voters that even Cuomo—whom they had previously treated like political asbestos—would be the less awful pick.

To be fair, Mamdani isn’t wrong about the city’s problems. He’s just terrifyingly confident that the same bureaucracy that can’t get a bus to show up on time will somehow fix the economy. He’s basically saying: “You know that agency that took six years to repaint a crosswalk? Let’s put them in charge of the entire housing department.”

Still, maybe this is what modern-day New York really wants. Maybe they’re so tired of being price-gouged that they’ll gladly trade capitalism for communal cabbage. Maybe it’s not the end of an era—it’s just the beginning of The Great Reset, but with better pizza.

Either way, I can’t wait to see how they’ll handle snow removal once they abolish private plows.

So go on, New York. Make history. Elect Zohran Mamdani. Just don’t act surprised when your local bodega becomes the Department of Plant-Based Provisions and Equitable Snacks.

And don’t say you weren’t warned. Because if socialism can make it there… it can make it anywhere.

P.S. So, I was waiting to launch this with some big official splash, but Dr. Kory dropped it yesterday so the cat’s out of the bag! Coming in January (available for pre-order now), the latest in the WAR ON series. This one will blow your minds. :)

Check it out and pre-order here.