GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS? OKAY YOU’LL NEVER GUESS SO I’LL JUST TELL YOU BECAUSE IT’S LITERALLY AMAZING: I AM GOING TO BE JOE ROGAN’S NEW SIDEKICK. YUP. IT’S NOT GOING TO BE THE JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE ANYMORE; IT’S GOING TO BE THE JENNA-AND-JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE. I KNOW. IT’S INSANE. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF. PINCH ME!
Feel free to tell everyone you know. You don’t even have to mention that it hasn’t technically happened yet, because my husband is right this minute thinking about emailing Joe to ask if he’ll consider it. And according to the journalistic standard currently being applied to Elon Musk’s impending takeover of CNN, that’s as good as a done deal, so I’m perfectly comfortable announcing it.
Yay me!
This particular exercise in turning something someone might possibly ask someone into something that might as well already have its own Wikipedia page began Wednesday when left-leaning news outlet [*apologies for the redundancy*] Semafor released a report on Paramount’s plans for acquiring Warner Bros. Discovery. The merger is a $111 billion colossus—one of the biggest in Hollywood history—and, notably, will put CNN and CBS News under the same corporate roof. It’s a roof that, as Gizmodo put it, “just so happens to be a very friendly abode for one Donald Trump.”
“According to people familiar with the matter,” Semafor reported, “executives at the company have discussed asking Elon Musk to become part of a syndicate of equity investors into Paramount.”
The breathless press took that single Lego and built an entire theme park around it.
“Elon Musk could acquire an indirect stake in CNN and CBS News through Paramount’s Warner Bros. Discovery deal, according to a Semafor report published on Wednesday, 23 September,” International Business Times announced.
“The prospect drew worried responses from journalists online, while Semafor warned it could raise ‘alarm bells’ in Washington.”
“Paramount has been seeking investors as it finances the Warner Bros. acquisition. Semafor reported that executives discussed approaching Musk, one of several wealthy people chief executive David Ellison is considering. Musk has not announced any investment, and the amount he might contribute is unknown.”
Elon Musk could acquire an indirect stake. Elon Musk could also grow a handlebar mustache, register for the WNBA draft, or buy the moon and charge us all $8 a month to look at it. Nevertheless, within approximately five minutes of this irresistibly juicy nothingburger being served up, the internet had transformed “Trillionaire Makes List of Rich People” into two entirely different breaking-news events:
THE RIGHT: “ELON MUSK IS ABOUT TO GET THE KEYS TO HOLLYWOOD AND LIBERATE CNN!”
THE LEFT: “ELON MUSK IS ABOUT TO GET THE KEYS TO HOLLYWOOD AND DESTROY CNN!”
ELON MUSK: “Wait, I’m doing what?”
Obviously, “might ask” could easily become “did ask,” and “did ask” could become “Elon Musk now owns a fun-size chunk of CNN”—which, to be clear, would be a very different thing from Elon Musk marching into the control room, firing Wolf Blitzer via tweet, and replacing The Situation Room with twelve straight hours of Tucker Carlson reading X posts aloud. But why let a little thing like distinction ruin a good preemptive freakout?
The left is convinced even a minority Musk investment would turn CNN into X with a lighting crew, featuring a nonstop parade of conspiracy theories, AI grokking up the chyron generator, and Kaitlan Collins being forced to interview an anonymous frog avatar about the deep state.
The right, meanwhile, is positive Musk would immediately liberate CNN from its decades-long captivity inside the DNC’s walk-in closet, fire every pundit who has ever said “our democracy,” and convert the whole network into a 24-hour exposé on government waste, illegal immigration, gender ideology, and why nobody is allowed to say what they really think about ivermectin.
The truth, assuming this ever graduates the might-ask-a-question stage, could be anywhere on that continuum. A minority investor—even one with enough money to buy several small nations and a website full of people calling each other Nazis—does not automatically get to reprogram a major news network from his phone. His influence would depend on how much he invested, what kind of stake he received, whether it came with board representation or voting rights, and how much control Paramount’s actual owners were willing to hand over. In other words, Elon Musk could wind up with meaningful influence over CNN, almost none at all, or merely become a glamorous scapegoat for journalists to blame whenever the network airs an opinion they find upsetting.
But here’s the part getting lost in all the Musk hysteria: CNN is changing hands whether Elon writes a check or not. And if you actually believe that CNN is perfect exactly as it is, a) you’re in the wrong Substack, and b) you may want to sit down.
Musk or no Musk, CNN’s new boss will be Paramount CEO David Ellison. His father, Larry, is a longtime Trump ally who reportedly poured $45 million into a pro-Trump political nonprofit during the 2024 campaign. Trump has publicly called the Ellisons “two great people,” while David has said he wants CNN and CBS News reporting “straight down the middle”—a dangerous right-wing neighborhood CNN reporters have been advised never to visit alone.
And the Musk rumor isn’t exactly far-fetched. We’ve actually seen this movie before, only with the billionaires reversed. When Musk needed investors to help him buy Twitter, Larry Ellison kicked in $1 billion—the largest individual commitment in the group. Now that Larry’s son is pulling together financing for his own massive media acquisition, is anyone on the planet shocked to see Elon’s name getting kicked around? In Billionaire World, I believe this is known as getting the next round.
Could Musk return the favor? Sure. Has anyone actually asked him yet? Not that we know of. Could he get his hands on whatever astronomical sum they come up with without selling stock, borrowing against it, or otherwise rearranging the billionaire couch cushions? That remains to be seen. Would he do it if it meant jeopardizing his control of his own companies? Your guess is as good as mine. But congratulations to Elon on buying CNN. Joe and I can’t wait to have him on the show to ask him all about it.
FOR THE FOLKS WITH FINICKY PHONES:
Would you watch CNN if Elon Musk became an investor?
Only under hostage conditions.
I wouldn’t rule it out.
Out of curiosity, maybe?
For sure (if he brings the sink).
*combo/unsure/other
P.S. Want a preview of the Jenna-and-Joe show? Catch me on BS Free MD. ;)
Before I finish reading, you had me for a split second Jenna.
But I’m sure everyone here would agree, the idea of you being Rogan’s sidekick is completely awesome!!!!
This just seems like the time to let my own story shine. It will surprise many of you, but Christie Brinkley and I may be getting together soon. There are details to be worked out, (my wife will need to be informed, and Christie may have an attachment to be considered), but otherwise this seems to be a near-certainty.