Bill Gates Says You're Not Climate-Rioting Hard Enough

(Sorry if even seeing his name made you throw up in your mouth.)

In this week’s episode of Diabolical, Tone-Deaf Rich Guys, billionaire and full-time hypocrite Bill Gates touched down in Singapore (not via glider or carbon-neutral unicorn, shockingly) to scold the world's wealthiest nations for not praying at the altar of net zero emissions. Rich countries “owe it to the world” to save Mother Earth, said the man who could buy the globe, pave it in solar panels, and still have enough left over to fund a start-up that 3D prints Impossible Foie Gras™.

Speaking at a “sustainability event” dubbed Ecosperity (yes, someone was paid to invent that word), Gates explained that affluent nations have an obligation to get to absolute zero emissions—even if the rest of the planet doesn’t come close or even care to try. Apparently, when you have a carbon footprint the size of Jupiter, personal absolution comes from finger-wagging others into ecovirtue.

We are all obligated, people.

In case you missed it, that was zero emissions. As in none. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Zed. Which is totally doable. All we really need is a complete global shutdown, a time machine to erase the last few hundred years of human progress, and maybe a meteorite impact event to really seal the deal.

In a “fireside chat” with Singapore’s Ambassador for Climate Action (fireside clearly being a cozy euphemism for an LED simulation in an air-conditioned ballroom, as the average high in Singapore this week is 91 degrees Fahrenheit), Gates explained that not every country needs to hit absolute squat on the emissions scale; just the ones with yachts, Gulfstreams, and a higher-than-average number of subterranean backyard Armageddon bunkers.

You know what I find even more ironic than your butcher telling you he’s vegan? Watching a man who famously champions depopulation pretending to care how well the scrappy survivors live. “Congratulations, you dodged the culling, you resilient human cockroach! You’re free to enjoy electricity from two to four a.m. on Thursdays plus two thrilling grocery runs a month—assuming you’ve been an obedient little serf [*checks your carbon credit score*]. Here’s some clean water for you to sip on. I made it myself.”

I’d like to make a toast to you all!

The world’s most malevolent marshmallow also met with Singapore Prime Minister Lawrence Wong while he was in town, and you’ll never guess where the conversation led. (Hint: it rhymes with Maxine Envelopment.)

“[Bill Gates and I] had a wide-ranging conversation on the challenges ahead, from clean energy to vaccine development. Singapore looks forward to working closely with the Gates Foundation to advance innovation and improve lives—here in Asia and around the world,” Wong wrote in a Facebook post.

What a relief to know that our boy Bill is still going to be able to squeeze in more vaccine voodoo between private jet pitstops to admonish people for polluting! Can you even imagine a world without his relentless philanthropic cosplay?

[*pauses to enjoy that hallucinatory utopia for a year or two*]

Even more heartwarming is the fact that Gates’ nonprofit is opening an office in Singapore, presumably to spread the gospel of emissions reduction (and vaccine crusading!) while basking in the glow of climate-controlled luxury and buffet shrimp flown in from three hemispheres. “Establishing a Singapore presence reflects the foundation's broader commitment to working alongside countries and partners to help more people live healthy and productive lives and accelerate progress toward achieving sustainable development goals,” the Gates Foundation said in a statement.

GATES (to self): “I need a catchy phrase for ‘we’re basically going to take away everything you love and that brings you joy but make you think it’s for the greater good and you’re a bad person if you object.’ Green tyranny? Nah, too literal. Climate communism? Personally, I love it but people get touchy around the c-word. Nature first? That could be a contender, actually… Ooh, I got it! Sustainable development!”

Gates’s Robin Hood-style proposal is hardly new; in 2023, activists successfully brought the issue of “climate justice” before the International Court of Justice, prompting historic hearings to clarify wealthy countries’ legal responsibility for their carbon violations. But his renewed interest in the idea clearly has something to do with the fact that his candidate of choice lost the last presidential election. From Fortune:

The Trump administration has taken a wrecking ball to green policies in the U.S., pledging to turbocharge coal, oil and gas production, while moving to slash international spending on global climate initiatives. That’s on top of Trump’s decision to once again withdraw the U.S. from the Paris climate agreement.

“This current trend, where there’s a little less cooperation going on, I don’t think that’s a permanent thing,” Gates said.

Comically, a mere month ago, reports of Bill Gates “giving up on climate change” were rampant, citing “deep cuts” to his climate-focused organization Breakthrough Energy and the layoff of dozens of employees. “[It’s] a major blow to climate nonprofits, and further evidence that, for all their feel-good bluster, the mega-rich never forget their bottom line,” wrote Futurism. The Seattle Times added, “The change shows how Gates is retooling his empire for the Trump era.”

And what better place to retool an empire and beta-test your globalist Shangri-La than Singapore—the home of strict order, cutting-edge tech, and a population not inclined to riot in the streets when you force them to eat bug burgers? Gates isn’t fighting climate change, he’s franchising it—and Singapore looks to be the flagship store.

(Dear Singapore, please consider this a nonrefundable gift from America. He’s all yours. Enjoy!)

Golf clap if you’d like to see an updated version of this photo.

Here’s what we know: Gates invests in companies that make synthetic meat, carbon capture tech, and next-gen nuclear reactors—then uses his foundation and public appearances to sound the alarm about the very problems those companies claim to solve. (It would be like telling your friend her hair looks a little limp when you happen to sell a pricey line of volumizing products.) He backs “green” startups that need billions in public subsidies to survive. Once governments ban gas stoves and fossil fuels, guess who makes a mint on the replacements? He funds research, advises world leaders, writes books about impending doom, and influences rules that just so happen to make him ever richer. Every time. The final twist? He tells the rest of us to live small, go electric, and cut back on our consumption—while quietly expanding his farmland empire, buying private jet fuel by the barrel, and designing the climate-friendly future the rest of us get to live in… from the comfort of his 66,000-square-foot mansion.

If you were a megalomaniac dead set on world domination and your pandemic power grab fizzled because too many peasants started asking questions, what would you try next? I dunno, maybe cook up a global crisis you can blame on the masses themselves? Something vague but scary, like weird weather patterns. Test your new pet project out on compliant populations first and adjust as necessary. Let celebs slap hashtags on it, pay the media to paint it every shade of terrifying, and watch as people beg to give up their appliances, their SUVs, their comforts, and eventually their basic freedoms—all for the warm, fuzzy glow of being on “the right side of history.”

It begs the question(s): Who are the people still buying this charade? Do they even exist—or are Microsofty’s “supporters” simply paid puppets and greedy lackeys looking to cash in on his latest cause? Do we actually share a planet with people who genuinely cannot recognize greed when it’s wearing a bow tie and a HELLO MY NAME IS CHARITY nametag? Explain it to me like I’m dumb.