Australia Agrees to Let the Government Co-Parent its Children

(Pay attention, because this is the dystopian global test-drive.)

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Millions of Australian kids woke up today to a brave new old world—one completely devoid of social media. No Instagram, no TikTok, no Snapchat, no Reddit, no YouTube, no X. All of it, gone. A clean sweep. A digital grounding so intense it makes the Catholic school nuns who once made me eat powdered soap (for letting a tiny profanity slip) look chill.

“Make the most of the school holidays coming up, rather than spending [that time] scrolling on your phone,” Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese told schoolchildren in a recorded video played in classrooms across the country. [*Can you even IMAGINE the groaning?*]

“Start a new sport, learn a new instrument, or read that book that’s been sitting there on your shelf for some time. And importantly, spend quality time with your friends and family, face to face.”

Translation: You’re about to rawdog the foreseeable future, kids—like it or not.

Under the ban, prompted by growing concern over what unfettered access to social media might be doing to developing brains, 10 of the biggest social media platforms were ordered to remove and/or block children under 16 or be fined up to 50 million Australian dollars ($33 million USD).