When the FBI Comes Knocking...

Don't do what I almost did.

In my early twenties, I was living and working as a magazine editor in New York City. One day my friend Sophie and I were eating lunch at a little pocket park in midtown when a woman approached us. She stopped right in front of me, quickly flashed a badge, and said, “You’re coming with me.”

In the hallowed halls of Seventeen magazine, circa 1993. (And yes, I’m a recovering tanorexic.)

Shocked and confused, I was about to start gathering my things *honest to God* when Sophie barked at the woman, “Get lost.”

Fun fact: Sophie, while extremely sophisticated and well-mannered, not to mention drop-dead gorgeous and close to six feet tall, was also a native Manhattanite. “Get lost” were not the exact words she employed. Conjure a drunk, angry truck driver or a construction worker who just smashed his thumb with a hammer and you’ll have a better idea of her gentle directive.

The woman wandered off muttering under her breath and Sophie just laughed, but I was reeling with the realization that if my fearless friend hadn’t been there, I might have let myself be led away by a crazy lady. She had a badge and everything!

I could have learned a thing or two from Jeremy Kauffman. An epic video filmed by the political activist and founder of the video hosting platform Odysee is making the social media rounds, and if you haven’t seen it yet, I promise it’s well worth your time. In the just under three minute clip, a pair of alleged FBI agents shows up at Kauffman’s house apparently to discuss his social media accounts *this is really where we’re at?*. Kauffman, to his great credit, is having exactly none of it.

The beginning of the exchange goes like this:

Kauffman: How can I help you?

Agent 1: Hey there, are you Jeremy?

Kauffman: Yup.

Agent 1: How are you?

Kauffman: Who are you?

Agent 1: I’m Agent O'Donnell with the FBI.

Kauffman: Can you give your full name please?

Agent 1: I’m Agent O'Donnell with the FBI.

Kauffman: Is that sufficient to identify yourself? Is there only one O’Donnell affiliated with the FBI?

Agent 1: In New Hampshire, yes.

Kauffman: Could you please state your full name, sir?

Agent 1: Could you please stop recording?

Kauffman: No. It’s a first amendment right.

Agent 1: Okay.

Kauffman (to Agent 2): What’s your name, sir?

Agent 2: Could you stop recording please?

Kauffman: Absolutely not.

The agents—if they are in fact agents—appear to be embarrassed, repeatedly ask Kauffman to stop recording (“Oh, this will be going online as soon as you walk away,” Kauffman taunts), and have no identification to offer other than the little badges clipped to their belts. Also, there’s this:

The frequently referenced Milgram and Asch Experiments have demonstrated how frighteningly willing people are to bend to the whims of (perceived) authority and group pressure. As the mom of two young women, I’ve taught my daughters to call 911 if they’re ever being pulled over in a remote area (and horrified them with stories about people pretending to be cops or being actual cops and raping and murdering women who trusted them just because they had a badge). I tell them to call me or stay on the phone with someone the entire time if they do pull over. To be clear, I’m no defund-the-policer and I realize there are creeps and cons in every profession. But too many people [raises hand shyly] will instantly acquiesce when someone in a uniform flashes official-looking credentials.

I’d be remiss not to mention that the now-deleted social media post in question appears to be one published to the New Hampshire Libertarian Party’s X page (managed by Kauffman). It read, “Anyone who murders Kamala Harris would be an American hero.” Obviously it’s a despicable thing to put out there… but how many “too bad he missed” posts did you see the day after Trump’s assassination attempts? Were those folks investigated? I’m not saying either is okay, incidentally, but with free speech on the chopping block, I think it’s important to know our rights—and where the line is.

The Supreme Court has upheld free speech in equally offensive instances, for the record. In Brandenburg v. Ohio (1969), after a Ku Klux Klan leader was convicted for advocating violence, the court overturned the conviction, ruling that the government cannot punish inflammatory speech unless it is directed to inciting imminent lawless action and is likely to produce such action. And in Cohen v. California (1971), the Court overturned a similar conviction, declaring that wearing a jacket with the phrase "F*** the Draft" in a courthouse was protected speech under the First Amendment.

[*Immediately searches Amazon for a similar jacket]

Since I would not be surprised to find a few FBI “agents” on my doorstep someday, I looked up what to do in this situation. Kauffman pretty much nailed it. (In the comments, he admits he practiced for just such a scenario.) The consensus: “Tell them you will not say anything until you speak to an attorney, and do not allow them in unless they have a search warrant.” My first thought: How would I know a genuine, legitimate search warrant from something the guy made himself from a printable template he downloaded from Etsy?

Which led of course to this:

Of course there are DIY arrest warrant templates online!

If they do not have an authentic warrant—and I have no idea how we’re supposed to determine this TBH based on the above—you can refuse to open the door. You can also demand they leave your property. If you’re bold, you can shame them the way Kauffman did, who conjured disappointed parents everywhere to end his little rant. “Go home and think about what you did today,” he mocked as the “agents” slunk back to their car. “Go home and think about it, you cowards.” (Please note that none of the legal sites I consulted recommend this on account of that “anything you say can and will be used against you” business. But let’s be real, I’d probably do it anyway.)

How are you going to respond when the feds show up at your door? Delight me in the comments.

Don’t forget about this little gem!