What's Up with Blood?

Unpacking this week's conspiracy: Does the Red Cross know something we don't?

Many years ago, I was at the local blood donation center ready to roll up my sleeve. As was the typical drill, the nurse/phlebotomist/whatever-he-was pummeled me with a zillion personal questions: How was I feeling that day? Was I taking any prescription medications? Did I routinely smoke, drink, or hit the old crack pipe? Had I been out of the country recently?

“Oh, actually, I think I have,” I replied.

“You think? Meaning it may have been more than a few months ago?” the n/p asked.

“No, it was just last month. I mean I think it was out of the country.”

I never was very good at geography.

“Where did you go?” he asked.

“The Turks and Caicos,” I told him.

“I don’t know what that is,” he replied.

“It’s an island chain,” I explained.

“I also don’t know where that is,” he admitted.

“Obviously neither do I,” I said.

Him: “Do you happen to know what ocean these islands are in?”

Me: “Nope.”

Him: “Could you find them on a map?”

Me: “Maybe?”

Him: “How did you get there?”

Me: “I swam.” [It took him a minute, but he laughed.] “Just kidding, I flew in a plane. Several of them, in fact.”

Him: “And you have no idea where you went?”

Me: “In my defense, I wasn’t flying the plane.”

Eventually we found the islands on a map—right there in the Atlantic Ocean, which I’ll point out mingles recklessly with the Caribbean and the Gulf of Mexico so how was I supposed to know where the lines are I’m not a cartographer either—and I was deemed safe enough to trade a few bags of my plasma for a stale cookie and a Dixie cup of orange juice.

DISCLAIMER: I did not make this map and it is not exactly PC but it’s funny and not entirely wrong.

This sad-but-true tale came to mind when no fewer than a dozen people sent me the following post this week:

The post has 15.1M views and 43K likes and the commenters are going wild. Fringy right-wingers (ahem) everywhere instantly took this to mean they’re turning away vaxxed blood because they know it’s toxic sludge! The posts were smug and used the words “propaganda,” “proof” and “proven” a lot.

Swifties (I imagine) came out swinging in return.

Since the original post contained a handy phone number, I called. It turns out (as many of the Swifties mentioned) there are virtually zero restrictions on donating blood if you’re Covid vaccinated. As long as you’re not experiencing any “flu-like” symptoms and haven’t been given a live attenuated vaccine (an option for which is not currently on the market but don’t worry they’re working on it please God make it stop), you can give up your hemoglobin the very same day you get jabbed if you’re so inclined. (If you’re not sure of the manufacturer, they want you to wait two weeks for inexplicable reasons.) The rep I spoke with mentioned Pfizer, Moderna, J&J, and even AstraZeneca (hasn’t that one been banned?) specifically.

To be both fair and clear, I was desperately hoping this was an actual thing. I’d love nothing more than for the Red Cross (or literally anyone else) to admit that anything other than pureblood is purepoison and refuse to accept it. But alas, I think a few of our people may have gotten overzealously ahead of themselves.

In otherwise unrelated news, I probably shouldn’t… but I can’t resist sharing a sneak peek of the cover I designed yesterday for Yankee Doodle Soup (for which I am still accepting submissions WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?). It may wind up being exactly this; it may change entirely God I love being the boss. For now, I’m sort of obsessed.

Comments? Critiques? Kudos? (Be nice.)

p.s. If you missed my boy Dr. Kory on Russel Brand yesterday, it’s a good one.