Warning: More Warnings Ahead. You’ve Been Warned.

It’s that delightful time of year when temperatures dip and COVID numbers swell. Don’t get your Proud Pureblood t-shirt in a twist; our fearless leaders have a (familiar) plan.

If our health authorities were a band, they’d be the Baha Men: They’ve got just one recognizable tune (who did let the dogs out, anyway?) and even though it’s super annoying, everybody knows it by heart.

Case in point: It’s respiratory virus season—also known as winter in the Northern Hemisphere—and the one-hit-wonders over at the CDC are busting out their single worn ditty; a dreary little tune known as The Winter of Severe Illness and Death.

You can call it TWOSIAD for short.

Don’t panic! I know it looks and sounds terrifying, but as you can see from the helpful photo, they’ve already got a solution!

Feel free to sing along with this seasonal CDC favorite. You know the lyrics (even if you don’t); the tune is blatantly stolen from faintly reminiscent of the Bee Gees’ disco hit Stayin’ Alive:

Well, I sure hope that you have got your shot;

if you’re antivax, you ain’t feeling so hot.

In fact, you might just wind up dead—

yeah, that’s what Tony Fauci said.

So just go out, and get your poke,

like a good, submissive bloke.

Otherwise, prepare to die,

and send your soul up to the sky.

Your vaccinated brothers and vaccinated mothers,

they’ll be stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Don’t you be forsaking, we need you all partaking,

you’ll be stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, winter of illness, winter of death!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, winter of death (oh, unless you’re jabbed)!

“A looming healthcare crisis is on the horizon as hospitals and emergency rooms face the potential need to ration care by the month’s end, according to a chilling advisory from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC),” the above article declared ominously from behind its plexiglass shield.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, rationing care, rationing care! (hey)

“Despite the situation’s urgency, the CDC said vaccination rates are experiencing an unprecedented decline.”

Ah, ah, ah, ah, dismal decline, dismal decline! (hey)

“Dr. Mandy Cohen, Director of the CDC, expressed deep concern about the sluggish vaccine uptake [and] emphasizes the crucial role of vaccinations as the peak of the respiratory virus season looms.”

Ah, ah, ah, ah, winter of illness, winter of death! (hey)

“The CDC emphasized the importance of staying updated on vaccinations against respiratory viruses.” Wait, they did? Shocker! I never saw that one com— “Beyond COVID-19 and influenza, a global uptick in pneumonia cases in children is also under scrutiny, officials asserted.”

Ah, ah, ah, ah, COVID’s just one of millions of things you should fear ba-dum-bum-bum especially if you have vulnerable, defenseless children shoo-be-do-wop but you’re in luck because if you can catch it we’ve got a safe-and-effective vaccine for it rama-lama-ding-dong so run-don’t-walk to your nearest pharmacy-y-y (hey)!

I wonder if there are genuine, salary-earning staffers regurgitating these headlines, or if it’s some intern’s job to punch “recycle last year’s winter of death story with slightly scarier prompts” into ChatGPT.

I hate to be the one to break it to the Centers for Disastrous Catastrophes and Propaganda, but their TWOSIAD campaign doesn’t appear to be working. According to a recent CNN report, only around 17% of adults and 8% of kids have gotten their latest COVID booster.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!

The article goes on to hilariously claim that “key reasons for low vaccination rates include a lack of provider recommendation, concerns about side effects, and a lack of time or forgetting to get vaccinated.”

I especially like how they casually slip the possibility that vaccination can maim or kill me between Um, I dunno, I guess my doctor never really mentioned it and I mean, I’m super into it and it’s definitely on my to-do list but my boss keeps piling extra work on me and I have this new puppy and I just keep forgetting to pop into CVS, my bad.   

I’m sure those are the actual top three, equally-cited reasons for abysmal booster uptake, CDC. Really.

The Atlantic ran this evasive yet sensational headline and accompanying mystery picture (did the bed owner die? is he in the bathroom getting violently ill? is that her in a lump under the covers, cowering in shame and regret and wishing she’d gotten her last booster? Just like who in fact was responsible for letting those damned dogs out, I guess we’ll never know), another desperate attempt to petrify folks into submission.

NBC, clearly picking up on that widespread and damnable “lack of provider recommendation” predicament, chose to throw those lazy doctors who don’t push the jab hard enough under the seasonal illness bus:

Once again, not a single stark warning or chilling advisory offers a shred of wellness advice beyond “roll up your sleeve.” There are no reminders to be mindful or get up off our ever widening collective asses and maybe break a sweat; no gentle suggestions to lay off the Christmas cookies (so fat-phobic!) or stock up on supplements. Sunshine, smunshine! The media’s single, laser-focused message—in case you somehow missed it—is how very important it is to get vaccinated. And boosted. Right this minute. And preferably every five minutes afterward. But only for the rest of ever.

And these people actually, openly wonder why “the anti-vaccine movement is on the rise.”

So yeah, we’ve been warned. I don’t know about you, but I’m not just ready; I’m planning to make this my healthiest, happiest TWOSIAD yet.

As they say, living well—sometimes merely living—is the best revenge.  

The War on Ivermectin makes a memorable holiday gift
and is available on Amazon and anywhere else kickass books are sold.