The Rapture Is Here!

Quick, sell your house! Unlock your phone! Oh, and don't forget to repent.

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This past weekend, I reminded my husband that it was almost time to drag the dusty Halloween decorations out of the godforsaken closet under the stairs—the one that slopes and twists in on itself until it dead-ends beneath the bottom step and is choked with suitcases and seasonal trimmings and enough books to open a small public library. Venturing into that Narnia of nonsense ranks up there with a trip to the DMV on my fun-things-to-do list.

Turns out, I should have been putting up my Rapture décor instead. According to a South African pastor and hundreds of thousands of blubbering TikTokers, yesterday and today are “a billion percent” guaranteed to be the day(s) that Jesus is coming to suck up all the believers like a celestial vacuum.

People are packing their bags, quitting their jobs, selling their houses, their cars, and all of their worldly possessions, and “buying new underwear for a proper send-off.” (My mom—a woman who kept a spare pair of panties tucked in her glove box at all times just in case—is cheering from the grave.)