News You Can Distrust

We make it up, you believe it™

Hi, my name is Jenna, and I’m a newsaholic.

*Technically I’m recovering but you’re not supposed to say that because once a newsaholic always a newsaholic and owning that fact is part of the process apparently.

Just a few short years ago, if you swiped down on my iPhone to reveal my most used apps, the top spot was a daily tossup between Apple News and Boggle. (Yes, I play nerdy word games and do not even get me started on Wordle which my daughter just introduced me to and what do you mean you can only play one round a day what time does the new one load exactly this is torture and I hate the NYT.) The news was the last thing I perused before going to bed and the first thing I checked when I woke up in the morning. My need to know “what was happening in the world” bordered on obsessive.

Fine, it epitomized obsessive.

This was, of course, before COVID and my subsequent realization that the news is nothing but lies, damned lies, and statistics, and that the media is in fact the virus.

From my recent substack of the same title; here’s the funny link.

Now I understand that the “news” is nothing more than a curated collection of tales—a heaping helping of fiction sometimes dusted with a smattering of facts—that support whatever the going narrative is. It’s not even close to a reflection of what actually is; it’s a skillfully painted portrait of what the PTB want the masses to believe.

ICYMI: me in my favorite hat everrrrrrrrrr

When perusing the MSM for today’s topic, as one would expect, our vapid VP and DJT dominated the headlines. Fair and balanced? Not so much. Take a look—and then tell me if it’d take a super-sleuth to ascertain the agenda.

If you were a Martian who’d recently landed on this planet, you’d probably be shocked if someone told you this Trump person was actually (last week’s) frontrunner in the race to become the president of what may or may not still be the most powerful country in the world. “The hush money guy? Really? Wow. I did not see that coming.”

Do you really want an undisciplined attacker who has public nervous breakdowns leading your country? (That was a rhetorical question. No, you do not. Shut up and don’t be racist.)

By standing on a stage at a rally and recklessly allowing himself to be shot at like that, Trump singlehandedly caused a spike in calls for violence and civil war. What a complete asshat. Do not under any circumstances vote for him, unless you like violence and civil war because that’s exactly what you’ll get so don’t come crying to us.

Is it, though? Like, even a little bit?

Now that that other old, frail corpse is out of the running, let’s bring back the age card! Trump is older than the microwave oven, polyester and polaroid cameras. Never mind his decades of experience, record-setting economic growth, historically low unemployment rates, or successfully brokered peace agreements in the Middle East. He’s ancient and some voters are concerned about his health.

Sure, his opponent *we literally don’t even acknowledge that anti-vax guy* is a border czar who’s never actually been to the border (*or Europe hahahahaha there are so many places she hasn’t been it’s hard to keep track!) and who pollsters crowned The Worst VP Ever *perhaps the reason she’s so obsessed with being unburdened by what has been?* but she’s younger than Trump and has never had a single health issue reported by the media. Also she’s a woman, which her people can’t define but she promises she’ll fight for women’s rights *please click the link and savor the comments you’re welcome* so, you know, you should just vote for her unless you’re a misogynistic pig.

I don’t know if you know this, but people love Kamala. Everyone! Even republicans! Especially republicans. They’re forming official groups just to show folks how serious they are about #BeingWithHer. They’re forsaking their former party—the one that believes in a free market economy and strong national defense and individual liberties—and choosing to champion the poster girl for DEI, defunding the police, and gender affirming care because the media says you’re deplorable if you don’t we’re not going back [to $2/gallon gas, affordable groceries, and a screaming stock market].

Forget about those other polls whose floors she mopped with her sad, unpopular tears; newer, better polls show the current veep beating Trump. Without a single press conference or interview since becoming the de facto democratic nominee, she’s somehow, magically, gotten more likeable and less incompetent! Must’ve been that catchy, viral coconut tree comment. People loved that one.

It’s not just a shift. It’s an undeniable shift. Don’t even try to deny it. Can’t be done, sorry.

The cat’s out of the bag: Sure, Trump stood up, bloody and defiant, seconds after a gunman (or three) tried to shoot him in the head and urged his supporters to fight, fight, fight! but deep down, the lily livered Cheeto-in-Chief is terrified of Kackala. It’s obvious. She’s just too strong, too successful. She’s practically Joan of Arc and I would not be even a little surprised if they announced she was going to be the first living person to be canonized. Yup, the billionaire business tycoon is quaking in his bespoke Italian slippers at the thought of debating a half-bred hyena, no doubt.

Kamala had a roughly zero percent chance of winning a race against Trump two weeks ago, which put dems in some deep doodoo. See, there has to be at least an illusion of winnability if you’re going to try to steal an election, otherwise nobody will buy it and then civil war will break out and they’re saving that for the 2027 agenda, you dumdums.

Media: *takes out paintbrush, begins coloring Harris with the word win*

Is she going to win the debate? As you read these words, you’ll begin to feel more and more relaxed. Trump is going to chicken out, so she’ll win by default! With each successive word, you enter more deeply into a profoundly suggestive state. Look at her winning smile! You are powerless to resist any subliminal messaging. Her smart move in this debate is a win-win! Kamala will win the election by winning, in a winning fashion as winners do, the election that she is going to win by winning it.

Did you guys know there is literally a Robert F. Kennedy Journalism Award? FYI Greg Graziosi did not win it this year.

Reporter: Want me to cover Kennedy at all this week?

Editor: Hell, no. We don’t give that guy any press ever, remember?

Reporter: But what if I can destroy him and Trump in a single headline?

Editor: I’ll allow it.

What possible motive could the MSM have to try to make people think that Harris is the belle of the electoral ball out there killing it, while trump cowers—sick and scared and mentally unstable—in a corner and worries about hush money headlines?

I know you’ll tell me in the comments.

Just my PSA of the day.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR IT’S NOT GOING TO BUY ITSELF.