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After three months of being effectively MIA—during which the public got exactly two vaguely hostage-ish photos, zero videos, and ample reason to wonder whether Mitch McConnell had, in fact, gone on to meet his maker—the Kentucky senator returned to Capitol Hill on Monday. Notably, his physical presence did little to dispel the death rumors.
Footage of the 84-year-old being escorted from his home en route to a waiting car—with his mouth hanging open and his face set to “screensaver”—caused an internet uproar, invoking comparisons to zombies, robots, and, of course, Weekend at Bernie’s.
“Mitch McConnell is the deadest alive person,” one observer concluded. “IT IS A CLONE!!” a caps-lock-loving X user insisted. “They made an animatronic puppet out of Mitch McConnell,” declared another. “Watch closely. Zero movement. Then suddenly a slow, robotic head turn and its eyes shift upwards WITHOUT BLINKING. Human eyes don’t move like that without blinking.”
Let’s just say it wasn’t the sort of triumphant return to public service you hope for after enduring a grueling three-month tour of the American healthcare system.
I’m not saying the Mitch McConnell they rolled into the Capitol is a clone. I’m merely saying that, human or Roomba, the public deserves to know whether the senator has any detectable electrical activity north of his neck.