It’s All Fun and Games...

… until a tranny has an R-rated wardrobe malfunction on the global stage.

When I looked up the history of the Olympics, the Internet informed me that the first recorded Olympic Games were held in 776 BCE. The BCE stopped me for a second. A twice-baptized Catholic it’s a long story, I was raised on BC… but I couldn’t recall what that E was for. Before Christ Existed? Beyond Christianity’s Emergence? Apparently not. BCE is the newer, secular term for Before Christ and stands for Before Common Era, because I guess they wanted to keep the B and the C and that was the best they could come up with? (Weirdly, AD, the abbreviated form of Anno Domini as in Year of Our Lord, was randomly replaced with CE, for Common Era, because nobody thought of Ancient Date or After Dinosaurs and God forbid *pun intended* a centuries-old phrase offend someone somewhere.) Never mind that the agnostic dating system is identical to its precursor and still revolves around the generally accepted birth of Christ; the temporal terminology prides itself *pun again intended* on being more inclusive. Comically, proponents of BCE/CE actually argue that the system is “more accurate in that it makes no claim to date the year of Christ’s birth which no one knows,” even though IT IS LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME SYSTEM make it make sense.

Unrelated: Left-leaning linguists are right now searching for newer, more equitable and less culturally insensitive words to replace karma, nirvana, avatar, and guru; stay tuned!

So anyway, the first Olympic Games were part of a religious festival honoring Zeus, the king of the Greek gods. Held every four years thereafter (a period aptly known as an Olympiad) until they were banned several centuries later by Roman Emperor Theodosius I, the Games were an important part of Greek culture, emphasizing physical fitness, competition, and worship.

The 2024, um, inclusive Opening Ceremony.

Fast forward roughly 2,800 years, when one question sticks out like a fat, garland-festooned, otherwise naked blue dude: What in the actual holy hell happened?

[*Note: I could write a novella specific to the overtly demonic opening ceremonies complete with a drag queen Last Supper Redux, but a) Jeff Childers beat me to it, and b) obviously their goal was to enrage Satan-haters so I’m intentionally withholding my ire hahahahahaha you lose, Luciferians.]

The theme of this year’s competition is Games Wide Open (and man did that one guy who let his junk slip out take that literally *viewer discretion is advised), and its stated objective is to blatantly promote the woke agenda “celebrate diversity on the global stage.” To that end, the planet’s largest, oldest, and most esteemed sporting event, for which elite athletes train their entire lives even though a scant fraction of a single percentage of them will quality for the honor of representing their nations, kicked off this salute to the pinnacle of human strength and stamina by parading out a chorus line of obese, gender nonconforming, non-athlete rainbow people.

From the IOC website.

At the risk of pointing out the blindingly obvious, the Olympics are, by design, exclusive. You have to earn your place there through extreme dedication and sacrifice; what does what you may or not be tucking in your trunks or who you’re bonking behind closed doors *hopefully* have to do with it? Why do woke-washed progressives have to make literally every last thing both sexual and inclusive—even (especially) things that are inherently neither?

Surprisingly, this year’s Games are taking that “dedicated to fair play” part seriously by not allowing assigned-male-at-birth persons to compete in women’s events. They did it grudgingly, however, and reportedly in response to a “well-financed reactionary movement” made up of “white supremacist, conservative, and Christian fundamentalist groups” who appallingly think you shouldn’t be able to call yourself something you’re not just to boost your odds of going home with a medal.

You’re such a racist.

Can you imagine if I showed up at the second grade spelling bee and announced that I identify as a seven-year-old and insisted they let me compete? How do you think I’d fare? And in what metaverse would the ensuing contest be considered fair?

Not to brag, but I’d definitely at least take home a Silver.

If we can have Paralympic Games for athletes with disabilities, why can’t we have Transolympic Games for athletes with gender identity confusion issues? Wouldn’t this be a clever and convenient way to level the literal and metaphorical playing field? They could open the inaugural event by burning the Bible, the Quran, the Torah, and the Bhagavad Gita in one giant pyrotechnics display, and then instead of presenting medals to the winners, they could hand out crucifixes and menorahs and prayer rugs willy-nilly! Bud Light could sponsor the whole thing and Dylan Mulvaney could be the emcee and seriously why isn’t this already a thing?

To be clear, I’m not talking about the I-prefer-shagging-my-own-sex crowd; once again, I don’t flipping care who or what you get naked with; this is strictly about athletics. I firmly believe you should be able to compete against anyone born with the same parts you were, regardless of how unattractive I find your haircut.

Case in point: Nikki Hiltz, who identifies as transgender and nonbinary (an unnecessarily granular double distinction for these purposes if you ask me). Hiltz was born with a vagina assigned female at birth and will make her their Olympic debut at the 2024 Paris Games. She’ll They’ll be competing in the women’s 1500-meter race, and I sincerely wish her them all the best. She They killed it in Olympic Trials, and her them? their? being there is fair to both her them and the athletes she is they are competing against. Her Their preciously paramount “sexual identity” does not matter one iota in this literal arena. Similarly, the mononymous Canadian soccer player Quinn, the first openly transgender footballer at the FIFA World Cup, plays for the National Women’s Soccer League, even though she they identify as nonbinary. Good for her them, and for the visibility felt by fellow trans athletes. Live your truth! Silence is violence! All lives matter!

I’ve said it before but I think it bears repeating: Why do we need to know a single sordid detail about any celebrity/athlete/stranger’s sexuality? And as someone who isn’t even a little bit afraid of drag queens, I’m genuinely curious to know how exactly it’s transphobic to insist that innate biology should trump arbitrary self-identity when it comes to athletic competition.

You know what to do.

Only 140 days until Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa! Think how happy you’ll be to have a stash of these in your gift closet in December what do you mean you don’t have a gift closet?