In the juiciest plot twist since Darth Vader turned out to be Luke Skywalker’s baby daddy, over 400 Hollywood stars—including Ron there’s-no-version-of-me-voting-for-Trump Howard, Bette Trump-is-a-troll Midler, and Judd I-won’t-judge-you-for-voting-for-Trump-but-God-will Apatow—have sent a desperate plea to the man they despise more than the success of Sound of Freedom and aging naturally combined, begging him to protect their industry from the cold, soulless clutches of artificial intelligence.
You read that right. The same red carpet royalty who’ve historically treated Trump like a hellspawned horror movie monster—one they swore would bring about the apocalypse and turned a glorious number of them into expats—is now collectively knocking on his gilded Mar-a-Lago door asking for a favor.
For years, showbiz A-listers have taken every opportunity to roast Trump, mocking him in their late-night monologues, using him as the butt of every political joke, and in one memorable case, randomly shouting “F*** Trump” at a major award ceremony and then getting a standing ovation for it. And yet, in their time of need, when Big Tech is threatening their royalties and their residual checks, who do they turn to? The very man they once swore would never get an invite to the Oscars.
Tinseltown’s letter argues that AI poses an existential threat to the entertainment industry—something they probably feel Trump can sympathize with, given how many times they’ve branded him an existential threat. The letter warns that if Big Tech continues to exploit copyrighted works, there may never even be a Scary Movie 6 America’s creative economy will collapse. And we all know how deeply committed Hollywood is to championing originality and protecting intellectual property (yes, Virginia, we do really need more than 200 film versions of Dracula. Really.)
While Trump has yet to formally respond to the request, I can vividly imagine his reaction:
“Wow. Hollywood—I call it hollow-wood—needs me. Folks, they called me a dictator, a criminal, a reality show clown—by the way, The Apprentice was a massive success, ratings through the roof, everyone loved it—and now they’re begging for my help. Even the ones who said horrible things. Very nasty things. I’m gonna have to ask Elon what he thinks. He’s a great friend, you know. Yuge brain on that guy. Yuge. Maybe if people like Sloppy Michael Moore or Dopey Steven Spielberg had been nicer to me, I would have already saved them. But you know what? Maybe I’ll save them anyway. Because I’m a very generous person, that’s one of the most beautiful things about me. And quite frankly, I’m the best president for the American worker—even the ones who pretend to be other people for a living and call it a jahb. The truth is, without me, these actors? These Hollywood phonies? They’re in very bad shape. Very bad. AI will be playing Spider-Man, Snow White, and maybe even that Cocaine Bear if they make a sequel, and it’ll do a much better job, I bet. I mean, have you seen Hollywood scripts lately? Terrible, just terrible. A total mess. Sorry, losers and haters, but maybe AI replacing you isn’t even a bad thing. Maybe it’s an upgrade.”
It’s almost poetic: the same industry that’s been obsessed with tales of AI taking over the world for decades is now in a panic because AI is taking over the world. And instead of Will Smith fighting off humanoid robots or Charlize Theron leading a rebellion against an apocalyptic warlord, their real savior might turn out to be… Donald Trump.
Talk about a Keyser Söze moment.
What do you think about sycophantic celebrities suddenly sucking up to their preferred punching bag? Let ‘er rip in the comments. ;)
I’m not a fan of AI and don’t have even the slightest clue as to how it works or why, but I hope Trump would prefer a raccoon be stapled to his forehead than help the whiney babies in Hollow Wood.
Your Trump monologue is spot on