Completely Benign Covid Variant of Interest™ Spreading at the Speed of Science®

Please lock yourselves in your homes and avoid human contact until further notice or forever, whichever comes last.

*I’m mad-scrambling to get out of town right now, so here’s a little flashback from the archives, lightly updated so you hopefully don’t feel gypped. Also I just learned that gypped, which is derived from the term gypsy, is considered offensive to the Romani people and therefore should no longer be used you guys this is never going to end we should probably all stop using words and go back to grunting and hieroglyphics.*

You know you laughed.

It must be hard being a headline writer these days. Leaning on a decades-long journalism background, I imagine today’s newsroom meetings go a lot like this:

Editor: Okay! What do we have to traumatize people with this week? A deranged serial killer on the loose in a college town would be amazing. What about a terrorist threat or some new environmental catastrophe—maybe something with bees. People love bees! Nothing? How about an oat milk recall? Any deadly TikTok challenges going viral? Give me something, people!

Cub reporter: Um… something with aliens?

Editor: {gives cub reporter WTF glare}

Old hack: Sorry, kid. We tried that this summer. Nobody gave a shit.

Cub reporter: Shoot. Okay. {furiously checks notebook} Well, we’ve done the overwhelmed Chinese hospitals every day this week… People seem to be getting tired of climate change… The banks are claiming they’re solid and Forbes says we’re not even in a recession… Too bad there’s not an evil group of globalist elites trying to take over the world. That would sell some papers!  

{*lots of head nodding and chuckling and we wishes}

Old hack: We could drag out one of the new COVID variants?

Cub reporter: Actually BA.2.86 is having a minute.

Editor: Is it spreading like crazy?

Old hack: Not really.

Editor: Is it deadly?

Old hack: Not even a little bit.

Editor: Well… can you spin it?

{*room erupts in laughter}

I mean, I can’t speak for the rest of you, but pre-COVID Jenna might have been a little bit panicked by this recent development. A variant of interest whose numbers are tripling? Whip out your masks! Put up some plexiglass! Lock up your children!

It’s worth noting that a variant of interest—much like a person of interest in a crime investigation—hasn’t been charged with or even tied to anything nefarious. It’s the scientific equivalent of “I’m watching you, Focker,” a threat (possibly unfounded; who’s to say?) of heightened surveillance. It’s likewise important to point out that multiplying numeric values can be profound or meaningless, depending on the figures you’re working with. To wit: If the number of free birthday drinks the pub is doling out suddenly triples, there’s a good chance the celebrant will be getting good and tipsy. But if you’re searching for a single magic grain of sand on the beach and you discover there are actually three of them, your sand-combing task would remain equal parts dismal and daunting.

Which brings us back to BA.2.86. The latest figures released by the CDC claim the strangely named V of I [author’s note: Did we run out of Greek letters? Did I miss Zeta, Iota, and Omega Beta Theta Sigma (OBTS)?] is estimated to make up 8.8% of recent COVID cases, up from 3% at the last count two weeks prior. (Figures likely based on tests that don’t work and never did, but semantics.) It’s “virtually triple,” the reports breathlessly claim, before admitting that the variant does not appear to lead to worse or even different symptoms than any previous strain and acknowledging—as this CBS News story did—that the CDC “did not disagree” with the WHO's assessment that BA.2.86 does not pose a significant health risk, nor does it appear to be driving increases in infections or hospitalizations.

But it’s not doing any of these horrifying things at three times the pace!

Where did they find the alien remains, anyway? What did they look like? I must have missed that part.

I was trying to come up with an analogy for these curiosity rousing headlines and the first thing that came to mind was the bearded lady at the circus from my childhood. Back then, such a sight was so odd, people would stand in line and pay good money to see her up close. I realized—after running into no fewer than three of her at Sephora and two at the brewery we had lunch at this weekend—it’s a perfect metaphor. Your server is built like Jessica Rabbit and has facial fur Jason Momoa would envy? Been there, seen that. Another COVID scariant has surfaced that’s less lethal than the last and may cause a mild fever in some at-risk populations? Pass the salt, dear.

The irony is, if any mainstream news outlet decided to actually report on some of the insanely newsworthy events happening in the world as I type, the headlines would write themselves. But I guess media teasers like Young People Dying of Cancer at ‘Explosive’ Rates and OB-GYN Drops Alarming Miscarriage Data Before Congress are—tragically—poised to become tomorrow’s bearded ladies.  

The War on Ivermectin makes a terrific gift
and is available on Amazon and anywhere else kickass books are sold.