Bye-Bye, Biden!

The Parting Speech that Asphyxiated a Nation

I wasn’t first or even seventy-seven-thousandth in line to watch the Big Guy bid adieu to the Oval Office. I knew what his swan song would include (a paint-by-numbers regurgitation of focus-group-tested clichés) and I thought I had a pretty solid idea of precisely how rhetorical and rambling the address would be (very).

I was wrong.

Between the PETA-level hypocrisy, the shameless fabrications, the Kamala-worthy word salads, a nearly narcoleptic delivery, and the sycophantic media’s syrupy response to it [honestly, do not watch that on a full stomach… or an empty one], Biden’s final farewell was as bad as it gets. Actually, that’s being generous. If parting words were meals, the Commander in Sleep served up freezer-burned, microwaved fish sticks dipped in moldy ranch.

Granted, the soliloquy is only 17 minutes long. But you could burn 26 calories boxing with your cat in that amount of time, which would be a far more productive energy expenditure [and destroy significantly fewer brain cells], so why would you bother suffering through it?

Allow me to save you the torturous trouble and recap our outgoing leader’s uniquely uninspired and wildly spurious diatribe:

“I’ve kept my commitment to be president for all Americans through one of the toughest periods in our nation's history.”
Was that what you were doing when you were calling (arguably more than) half the country “threats to democracy”? Or accusing state leaders who lifted mask mandates of “Neanderthal thinking?” Or was it when you were telling Black Americans who weren’t sure who to vote for “you ain’t black”? Which would you say was your very most inclusive move, Joe? I’m curious!

“Institutions that are rooted… not… they just might not reflect the timeless words, but they echo the words of the Declaration of Independence. We hold these truths to be self-evident, rooted in the timeless words of the Constitution. We the people. Our system of separation of powers. Checks and balances.”
Kamala: “Trust me, Joe. You just take a bunch of words and spin ‘em around, repeat ‘em a few times, toss in a few iconic or historical terms and BOOM. Mic drop.”

“We’ve rebuilt the middle class.”
I rebuilt my vacuum cleaner once. Ask me how that turned out.

“A nation holding the torch of the most powerful idea ever in the history of the world… that all of us, all of us, are created equal.”
*Unless you’re a PTA mom, election integrity advocate, pro-lifer, energy industry worker, rural American, medical freedom fighter, 2A supporter, vaccine refuser, religious conservative, whistleblower, or congressional GOP. Then you’re an "ultra-MAGA extremist” and must be blocked, mocked, or banned from polite society.

“I want to warn the country of some things that give me great concern [and] that's a dangerous concentration of power in the hands of a very few ultra-wealthy people and the dangerous consequences if their abuse of power is left unchecked.”
So… if you omitted that pesky “ultra-wealthy” part, how exactly is the incoming concentration of power any different from the outgoing concentration of power [especially if their abuse of power is left unchecked like yours was]?

“We’ve made historic progress on climate change.”
It’s true. Never in the history of ever has an administration done less to further a single cause. Historic!

We did it, Joe!

“We must hold the social platforms accountable to protect our children, our families, and our very democracy from the abuse of power.”
Does “the abuse of power” include the infiltration of social media by the FBI and federal government that was ingloriously revealed in the Twitter Files and that happened on your watch, or the pressure your administration put on Meta to censor anti-narrative Covid content? Asking for, oh, about 3 billion friends.

“We need to amend the Constitution to make it clear that no president—no president!— is immune from crimes that he or she commits while in office.”
Sure thing, Big Guy. Whatever you say.

“Nothing offers more profound possibilities and risk for our economy and our security, our society. It’s a very—for humanity.”

“Americans are being buried under an avalanche of misinformation and disinformation.”
You: “We’re not going to mandate vaccines.” “You’re not going to get COVID if you have these vaccinations.” “The vaccines are safe and effective for everyone, including children, and they will prevent you from spreading the virus.” “This is a pandemic of the unvaccinated.” “The vaccine is the ticket to getting back to normal.” I… can’t… breathe…

“We are united as a country.”
[*quickly issues executive order to change the definition of united to mean at unprecedented odds to the extent of needing a GPS, a compass, and a search party to find a sliver of common ground]

“In the last four years, our democracy has held strong.”
Unless you count the dying dollar, out-of-control government spending, the decimation of small businesses thanks to Covid policies, our chronic disease epidemic, the skyrocketing cost of living, and global distrust of leadership, the media, and every government institution on the planet. (I suppose your inability to steal the recent election did restore a driblet of faith in the idea of democracy. I’ll go ahead and give you that one.)

“The free press is crumbling. Editors are disappearing. Social media is giving up on fact-checking.”

“I'm so proud of how much we've accomplished together for the American people.”
Nothing says accomplishment like leaving office with the lowest approval rating of your term and close to your all-time personal low. I hope you can stay awake long enough to enjoy Disney World!

“It’s up to us to make our dreams come true.”
*author immediately pulls all-time favorite manifestation book from shelf and gets busy*

If you can’t see it, you can’t achieve it.

Did you watch the slow-motion train wreck that was Biden’s sad sayonara? LMK what you thought about it in the comments (or how glad you are that I synopsized it so you could skip it)! :)